Parenting and Autism
Mark Rembert • January 3, 2019
Give Your Child the Best of Both Parents
We swore we'd travel, darlin' side by side
We'd help each other stay in stride
But each lover's steps fall so differently
But I'll wait for you
And if I should fall behind
Wait for me.
---"If I Should Fall Behind", Bruce Springsteen
For parents, there are few challenges greater than a child with autism. It impacts everything. Marriage. Siblings. Friendships. Retirement planning. Mental and physical health. There is, quite literally, no part of a parent's life that is not in some way affected by one of these special children.
And just like everything else between married people, spouses do not process a child's autism diagnosis in exactly the same way. One parent may embrace the challenge immediately, and one may take longer to absorb the new reality. One may attempt a hyper-organized approach to "curing" the problem, while one may fall back on intuitive habits and preferences.
That does not mean, however, that one parent is "right" and the other "wrong".
The fact is that both parents have unique strengths and perspectives to offer as they raise their child; and this is true whether this child has a diagnosis or not. For both parents to be most effective, they have to acknowledge, accept, and value that fact. This means compromise, this means accommodation, this means, quite simply, being married like anyone else.
In the life of my own family, I am the planner, the scheduler, the organized one. I am the one who most naturally gravitates toward the structure that a child with autism craves. My wife is intuitive, reactive, more apt to embrace joy (or sorrow) in the moment that it occurs, rather than incorporate it into a "rational" process, as I might.
And how is our son impacted by having parents with different perspectives? With me, there's no doubt he appreciates the structure and routine that is my predisposition. And with his mom, his face lights up in a way that it never does for me. And that's OK. He gets the best of both worlds--the best of his parents, and he is on his way to being the best he can be.
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Our son has to be integrated into the world in which he lives. We cannot hide him. Or ourselves. If the price we pay is a frown or a snide remark from time to time, so be it.
An autistic child may be talkative or nonverbal. He may love sports or music or dance. Or not. He may crave big, strong hugs, or he might find them overwhelming. He may eat everything you put in front of him, or he may seem to like almost nothing. The truth is, it all depends on the child.
An autistic child may be talkative or nonverbal. He may love sports or music or dance. Or not. He may crave big, strong hugs, or he might find them overwhelming. He may eat everything you put in front of him, or he may seem to like almost nothing. The truth is, it all depends on the child.
Our son has to be integrated into the world in which he lives. We cannot hide him. Or ourselves. If the price we pay is a frown or a snide remark from time to time, so be it.